Tag Archives: General

Sometimes, Google scares me…

I’ll admit to being a world class procrastinator. When it comes to procrastination, I thought about writing the book, but got distracted and did something else instead. One of my favourite methods of passing away the idle time while I stare hopelessly at my short story due to be posted here Any Time Now™, is to ask Google metaphysical questions. As a fan of the late, great Douglas Adams I was deeply gratified to find out what happened when I Googled “the answer to life the universe and everything”.

A few minutes ago, I decided to mess around on Google, asking it stupid questions. I started typing, but paused when I realised I didn’t really know what I wanted to ask. Being the helpful page that it is, Google thought I might need some suggestions. One of those suggestions managed to pull me up short. Look at the picture below and you’ll see highlighted in blue, the cause of my momentary fit of “WTF?!?”.

(Click to magnify)

Google, messing with my head.

Google, messing with my head.

Seriously, Google. You have access to my search history. You know that usually I’m looking for Steven Wright jokes or pictures of Jessica Biel in her underwear*. I thought we understood each other. I use you as my default search engine, you give me sweet, sweet Jessica Biel  bikini photos.

Also, why are 52, 600 people baffled as to the appearance of a deceased Asian on their living room furniture? Maybe it’s just one person who got really confused by it happening and posted the question on thousands of message boards in the hope of finding an answer somewhere. Maybe there’s been a recent spate of people from Pakistan expiring on stranger’s sofas and I just never heard about it until tonight? What if Google has used complex algorithms to determine my future and I’m soon to be typing that exact query in a sense of mounting panic and desperation… QUIT MESSING WITH MY HEAD, GOOGLE!

* Reversing those two search queries gives far less hilarious results than you might imagine.


You all brought this on yourselves!

Thanks to everyone who posted comments over the course of the Halloween carol, I was forced into making a youtube video of myself singing the carol. Here it is. I accept no responsibility for anything.

!!!WARNING!!!  – Singing voice is extremely bad!

The Twelve Days of Halloween, the final version.

On the Twelfth day of Halloween my true love gave to meeeeeeeee,

Twelve spiders being all horrible and UGHHHH! I hate the damned things,

Twelve spiders being all horrible and UGHHHH! I hate the damned things.

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The horror will be unending…

My little challenge to the regular readers of this page (Yes, both of you) has been met and matched. Twenty comments by five or more people, spread over the length of the Carol so far. This is thanks in no small part to “Sooky”, who’s determination to hear me sing in public was both endearing and terribly, terribly naive, after all I know what I sound like and she – poor child – has yet to learn. However, a bet is a bet and I’ll performing my carol in full and a capella later this afternoon or tonight, depending on how busy my afternoon turns out to be.

You have been warned…

The Twelve Days of Halloween, part eleven

On the eleventh day of Halloween, my true love gave to meeeeeeeee,

Eleven Werewolves howling,

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Oh dear, this might end in tears…

So… Over on Facebook I said that I would sing the carol on youtube if I got 20 or more comments over the length of the carol from five or more different commentors. The count currently stands at three comments from two different people. Halloween is only a couple of days away, so I think the world is safe from my, quite frankly appalling, singing voice just now. That could all change today though, as people wake up and see the links a certain person has posted.

Those who know me personally and have been subjected to my rendition of Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls” at karaoke nights may be grateful the count is currently so low. Those others, who don’t care so much about the quality of the vocal stylings as they do for watching a grown man squirm, may yet tip the vote in their favour though. Whatever happens, I’ll stand by the results and if necessary, punish those who commented by posting the video on this blog.

The Twelve Days of Halloween, part ten

On the tenth day of Halloween, my true love gave to meeeeeeeee,

Ten Ghosts a-haunting,

Ten Ghosts a-haunting.

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The Twelve Days of Halloween, part nine…

On the ninth day of Halloween, my true love gave to meeeeeeeee,

Nine witches dancing,

Nine witches dancing

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The Twelve Days of Halloween, part eight

On the eighth day of Halloween, my true love gave to meeeeeeeee,

Eight Mummies moaning,

Eight mummies moaning

Eight Mummies moaning

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The Twelve Days of Halloween, part seven

On the seventh day of Halloween, my true love gave to meeeeeeeeeee,

Seven Vampires sucking,

Seven Vampires sucking

Seven Vampires sucking

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