Earlier today, I had some problems getting AVI video files to run on my PS3. Being the rabid hater of customer service helplines that I am, I immediately turned to Google to help with my problem. The search term I was inputting was “why won’t my PS3 play AVI files”, find below what Google in its infinite wisdom thought I might be looking for answers about…
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I don't even HAVE a parakeet...
I can’t even make any sarcastic remarks about it, my mind is still boggling too hard.
This vaguely NSFW video <<Click here to view>>, shows performance art troupe Devil’s Playground doing some Star Wars themed burlesque routines. With Adam Ant’s Stand and Deliver as a backing track. At 1:03 minutes into the video, your childhood will be irrevocably tainted and you will love it.
Dear whoever it is who makes this* commercial for Evian mineral water,
I speak to you on behalf of hordes of people across the U.K. and any other territories your current commercial airs in. With one voice, we all say to you… STOP IT!
It’s creepy, unnatural and has no place in a civilised society. Babies should be sitting in high chairs, giggling adorably and looking vaguely reminiscent of British Bulldogs (I mean that in a good way). What they certainly should not be doing, is rollerblading, dancing, doing Ethel Merman numbers in fountains or any of the other unnatural and freakish abominations you’ve churned out in order to make us associate your product with horrifying demon babies intent on stealing our souls and handing them over as tribute to their demon overlords. It only makes us want to drink Volvic mineral water, and I’m sure that’s not your preferred outcome.
When I see a baby on the street, my natural reaction should be one of “Isn’t he/she/it adorable?”, combined with an utter certitude that I absolutely do not want one of my own. NOT a Pavlovian response of terror and a feeling of complete certainty that said baby is just waiting for me to let my guard down so it can get on with reenacting Children of the Corn.
That is all.
* Ordinarily, I would embed a youtube video in order that all of my readers (both of them) know what I’m talking about. On this occasion I wish to avoid looking on that hideous advert each time I load my homepage.
I’ll admit to being a world class procrastinator. When it comes to procrastination, I thought about writing the book, but got distracted and did something else instead. One of my favourite methods of passing away the idle time while I stare hopelessly at my short story due to be posted here Any Time Now™, is to ask Google metaphysical questions. As a fan of the late, great Douglas Adams I was deeply gratified to find out what happened when I Googled “the answer to life the universe and everything”.
A few minutes ago, I decided to mess around on Google, asking it stupid questions. I started typing, but paused when I realised I didn’t really know what I wanted to ask. Being the helpful page that it is, Google thought I might need some suggestions. One of those suggestions managed to pull me up short. Look at the picture below and you’ll see highlighted in blue, the cause of my momentary fit of “WTF?!?”.
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Google, messing with my head.
Seriously, Google. You have access to my search history. You know that usually I’m looking for Steven Wright jokes or pictures of Jessica Biel in her underwear*. I thought we understood each other. I use you as my default search engine, you give me sweet, sweet Jessica Biel bikini photos.
Also, why are 52, 600 people baffled as to the appearance of a deceased Asian on their living room furniture? Maybe it’s just one person who got really confused by it happening and posted the question on thousands of message boards in the hope of finding an answer somewhere. Maybe there’s been a recent spate of people from Pakistan expiring on stranger’s sofas and I just never heard about it until tonight? What if Google has used complex algorithms to determine my future and I’m soon to be typing that exact query in a sense of mounting panic and desperation… QUIT MESSING WITH MY HEAD, GOOGLE!
* Reversing those two search queries gives far less hilarious results than you might imagine.